Groucho Marx Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure. Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. Mark Twain If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? When in doubt, tell the truth. Woody Allen Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. Lazarus Long $100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. H. L. Mencken's Law: Those who can -- do. Those who can't -- teach. Martin's Extension: Those who cannot teach -- administrate. Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him. Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. Swami X Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. Will Rogers I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. Howe's Law: Everyone has a scheme that will not work. Woody Allen It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. Yogi Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already paid may disregard this fortune). Winston Curchill "In defeat,unbeatable;in victory,unbearable."of Montgomery Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. Derek Bok If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. Only intolerance is intolerant. A flawed concept is to elect people to rule over us, then allow them the authority to take our money. If lawmaker is above the law, then, by definition, there is no law. We the people, lest we forget who we are. committee group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide that nothing can be done. cynic knows price of everything and value of nothing. dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me. They must be Gods! cat thinks: I must be a God! fine is tax for doing wrong. tax is a fine for doing well. friend someone that won't begin to talk behind your back when you leave the room. After all is said and done, more is said than done. Aging is bad, but consider the alternative. Always go to other peoples funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. -- Yogi Berra keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. Atheism a non-prophet organization. Bacteria: the only culture some people have. Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss. Believe in miracles but don't depend on them. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. -- Oscar Wilde Committee A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. Consumers are statistics, customers are people. Fool me once shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. God heals the doctor takes the fee. -- Ben Franklin Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people. He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him. He who knows not and knows that he knows not is a child. Teach him. He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him. He who knows and knows that he knows is a wise man. Follow him. Arab Proverb He who laughs last thinks slowest! I know UNIX, PASCAL, C, FORTRAN, COBOL, and other high-tech word. I refuse to engage in an intellectual battle with an unarmed man. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in? If all else fails read the directions. If money could talk it would say goodbye. If you lend $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. If you think it's expensive to hire a professional to do the job, wait until you hire an amateur. -- Red Adair I'm serious; it was a joke. Jury Twelve people determine which client has better lawyer. Love is blind Marriage is the eye-opener. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. People who do the world's real work don't usually wear neckties. Politics Poly (many) + ticks (bloodsucking parasites) Resentment like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die! Sit next to a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. Sit on a red-hot stove for a minute, seems like an hour. That's relativity. -- Albert Einstein Some of world's greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible. - Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them. Some people take too much of vitamin "I." Stupidity is NOT a handicap! PARK ELSEWHERE! place is crowded nobody goes there anymore. -- Yogi Berra Two things are sure in life: There is a God, and you are not him. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left. Anyone not a socialist at 16 has no heart, but anyone who still is at 32 has no mind. -- Woodrow Wilson Be slow in choosing a friend, slower in changing. -- BenjaminFranklin Better remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. -- Abraham Lincoln Better to understand little than to misunderstand a lot. Consider how hard it is to change yourself; will understand chance you have trying to change others. Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. is also what it takes to sit down and listen. -- Winston Churchill Defeat isn't bitter if you don't swallow it. Discretion being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice. Do bad and remember do good and forget. -- Algerian proverb Don't think there are no crocodiles because the water is calm. -- Malayan proverb Facts don't disappear just because they're ignored. I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. -- Voltaire I like pigs Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. -- Winston Churchill Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you too, can become great. -- Mark Twain Learn to listen opportunity often knocks softly. Life can only be understood backwards, but be lived forwards. Life is a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel. Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will. -- Jawaharlal Nehru Life is so much simpler when you tell the truth. Live by what you trust, not by what you fear. Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows. --Shakespeare Money an excellent servant, but a horrible master. Most our suspicions of others are aroused by our knowledge of ourselves. Most trouble in world is caused by people wanting to be important. -- T.S. Elliot Never let a problem become an excuse! Pay attention to your enemies, for they are the first to discover your mistakes. -- Antisthenes People forget how fast you did a job, but remember how well you did it. People may not always believe what you say, but they will believe what you do. People who value their privileges above their principles, soon lose both. People would worry less about what others think of them if they only realized how seldom they do. Sometimes it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission. take lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. We have not inherited the earth from our ancestors, we have only borrowed it from our children. -- Ancient Proverb Well done is better than well said. -- Benjamin Franklin When person wants to believe something, it doesn't take much to convince them. When in doubt tell the truth. -- Mark Twain Win with humility lose with grace. You wouldn't care what people thought of you if you realized how seldom they do. ANGER is a short madness. BACCHUS hath drowned more men than Neptune. One man's loss is another man's gain. Apparel makes the man The rich are rather possessed by their money than possessors. You can have TOO MUCH of a good thing.. A barking DOG never bites. His bark is worse than his bite Beware of a silent DOG and still water. A DROWNING man will clutch at a straw. Think on the END before you begin. First THINK, and then speak. Better an open ENEMY than a false friend. Better be ENVIED than pitied. ENVY always shoots at a high mark. A FOOL and his money are soon parted. Out of the FRYING-PAN into the fire. The pot calls the kettle black. HELL is paved with good intentions. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. He that does nothing always finds helpers. HONEY catches more flies than vinegar. HONOUR is the reward of virtue. KEEPING is harder than winning. You cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs. Much LAW, little justice. A LAWYER's opinion is worth nothing unless paid for. LIARS have need of good memories. PRIDE goes before a fall. Pride never left his master without a fall. A STITCH in time saves nine. A great TALKER is a great liar. greatest TALKERS are the least doers. They brag most that can do least. Great boast and little roast A long TONGUE is a sign of a short hand. The THREAD breaks where it is weakest. The CHAIN is no stronger than its weakest link. A fool's tongue is long enough to cut his own throat. A good TREE cannot bring forth evil fruit. A TREE is known by its fruit. He that seeks TROUBLE, never misses. Best to bend while it is a TWIG. Empty VESSELS make the greatest sound. A WISE head makes a close mouth. WISE men learn by other men's harms; fools, by their own. Many a true WORD is spoken in jest. WORDS cut more than swords. The WORK shows the workman. The WORKMAN is known by his work.. A bad WORKMAN quarrels with his tools. Actions speak louder than words. All is fair in love and war. A dog's bark is worse than his bite. It is better to bend than break. The more it changes, the more it remains the same. One must crawl before he walks. It is always darkest before dawn. You can't keep a good man down. It's not whether you win or lose but how you play the game. The glass is either half empty or half full. All that glitters is not gold. Make hay while the sun shines. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. A picture is worth a thousand words. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Never make a promise if you don't intend to keep it. There are two sides to everything. Out of sight, out of mind. Simple things in life are best. Sink or swim. The sky is the limit. Where there is smoke, there is fire. You shall reap what you sow. Don't start anything you can't finish. There is a time to speak and a time to be silent. Still waters run deep. You win a few and you lose a few. Don't wish too hard: you might just get what you wish for. Two wrongs do not make a right. 7/5th of all people do not understand fractions. 43% of all statistics are worthless. 2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root. 1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer. 1850 A.D. - prayer is superstition. , drink this potion. 1940 A.D. - potion is snake oil. , swallow this pill. 1985 A.D. - pill is ineffective. Here, this antibiotic. 2000 A.D. - antibiotic is artificial., eat this root. Ability can take you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there. A Committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide that nothing can be done. A cynic is someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God! A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. A friend is someone who has the same enemies you have. (Lincoln) After all is said and done, more is said than done. A good conscience is a soft pillow. A hard thing about business is minding your own. A jury consists of twelve people chosen to decide who has best lawyer. Alimony is having an ex-husband you can bank on. All mothers are working mothers. A long dispute means that both parties are wrong. Always forgive your enemies but never forget their names. Always keep your words soft and sweet, in case you have to eat them. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. A man convinced against his will is still of the same opinion. A man is not where he lives, but where he loves. (Latin Proverb) A man who thinks he is smarter than his wife, has a very smart wife! A meeting minutes are kept and the hours are lost. Anyone who is not a socialist at 16 has no heart, but anyone who still is at 32 has no mind. (Woodrow Wilson). A penny saved is a penny earned, and a penny spent, is a penny enjoyed. A person can fail many times, but they are not really a failure until they start to blame someone else. A person is getting along the road to wisdom when they begin to realize that their opinion is just another opinion. A politician will find excuse to get out of anything, except office. A poor report card has one good thing in its favor: at least you know the student is not cheating. A smart husband buys his wife very fine china so she won't trust him to wash it. A smile cheapest way to improve your looks, even if your teeth are crooked. A smooth sea never made a skillful mariner. (English Proverb Atheism is a non-prophet organization. A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. A word gets its meaning by the person who speaks it. Be bold in what you stand for; and careful what you fall for. Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment. Be slow in choosing a friend, slower in changing. ( Franklin) Be tender to the young, compassionate to the aged, tolerant with the weak. For in your life you will be all of these. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. (Abraham Lincoln) Better to understand little than to misunderstand a lot. Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused. Choose a job you like and you will never have to work a day of your life.(Confucius) Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. (Mark Twain) College is that bright interlude of freedom a young man has between subjection to his mother and submission to his wife. Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen. (Winston Churchill) Defeat isn't bitter if you don't swallow it. Despite the high cost of living, it remains very popular. Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead your voice. Do bad and remember, do good and forget. (Algerian proverb) Don't get good at doing something if you don't like doing it. Don't listen to what I say; listen to what I mean. Don't think there are no crocodiles because the water is calm. (Malayan proverb) Every man dies; not every man really lives.(Braveheart) Every man reaps what he sows, except the amateur gardener. Everything that can be counted doesn't necessarily count; everything that counts can't necessarily be counted. (Einstein) Examine what is said, not who speaks. (Arabian Proverb) Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. Facts don't disappear just because they're ignored. Flirtation... Attention without intention. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. Fools rush in - and get all the best seats. Give a man a fish and he won't starve for a day. Teach a man how to fish and he won't starve for his entire life. (African proverb) God gave us time so that everything wouldn't happen all at once. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. (Reinhold Niebuhr) God heals, and the Doctor takes the Fee. (Ben Franklin) Great minds ... discuss ideas. Average minds ... discuss events. Small minds ... discuss people. Growing older is mandatory; growing wiser is not. Half of the world's misery comes from ignorance. The other half comes from intelligence. (Bonar Thompson) Having the right to do it, doesn't mean it is right to do it. I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. (Voltaire) I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in? If all else fails, read the directions. If life deals you a lemon, make lemonade. If money could talk, it would say goodbye. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. (Mark Twain) If you understand something today, it must be obsolete. I know UNIX, PASCAL, C, FORTRAN, COBOL, and other high-tech words. I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. (Winston Churchill) "I'm a lawyer." .. "Honest?".. "No, the usual kind." I'm old enough to know better but I'm still to young to care. I'm serious; it was a joke. I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book. (Groucho Marx) I refuse to engage in an intellectual battle with an unarmed man. It is always the ones who talk loudest who do the least. It is a poor workman who blames his tools. It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them. (Mark Twain) It is better to have bad breath than to have no breath at all. It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and prove it. It is not what they say about you, it's what they whisper. It is OK to let your mind go blank, but please turn off the sound. It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them. (Ralph Waldo Emerson) It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car . Jury Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer. Just because person grows older, doesn't mean he grows up. Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is. Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you too, can become great. (Mark Twain) Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin) Knowing is not enough; We must Apply. Willing is not enough; We must Do. (Goethe) Lawyer (n): Larval stage of Politician. Life is a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel. Live your own life, for you will die your own death. (Latin proverb) Lord grant me the courage to do the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference. Love is blind. Marriage is the eye-opener. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. Money is an excellent servant, but a horrible master. Most of our suspicions of others are aroused by our knowledge of ourselves. Most of the trouble in the world is caused by people wanting to be important. (T.S. Elliot) My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself. Never argue with a stupid person. First they'll drag you down to their level, then they will beat you with experience. Never let a problem become an excuse! Never say anything unless it is kind, necessary and true. Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity. (General George S. Patton, Jr) Nothing seems impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others. Sit next to a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. Sit on a red-hot stove for a minute, it seems like an hour. That's relativity. (A. Einstein) Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them. Some people are wise, and some are otherwise. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. The Chinese word for "crisis" contains two characters. One of them means "opportunity". The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. (Einstein) The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. The first duty of love is to listen. (Tillich) The graduate with Science degree asks: "Why does it work?" The graduate with Engineering degree asks: "How does it work?" The graduate with Accounting degree asks: "How much will it cost?" The graduate with Liberal Arts degree asks: "Do you want fries with that?" The next time the devil reminds you of your past, remind him of his future.